The Will

I was sick in bed for a thousand years
I was dying
I was never not dying
The world was dying
Everyone around me hurt
Broken
I was broken
I was breaking
Always hurting myself
My loved ones
My God
I couldn't bear it
I wanted out
One day
I woke up
And wanted to live again
I wanted to eat
And things tasted good
I wanted to get dressed
And I looked good
Beautiful even
I believed a lie
And a truth
That none of this matters
And it all matters
I lived like I was dying
By sheer will
I did
We all do
We're all dying
We're all living
Who can add a single hour to their life by worrying
I will make mistakes
I will do some good with my life
If I died, would people listen
Would they take me seriously
If I died, would I be free
From making any more mistakes and possibly hurting others or being hurt myself
If I died
It wouldn't matter
I wouldn't know
Awake my soul
Give me the will and desire to live
To try
To be fully, abundantly alive
When there was no hope, you are my hope
When there seemed only despair, you were there
When I gave up on myself completely, and I couldn't hear, feel, or see you,
I couldn't hold onto the promises you gave me over and over
That you are faithful,faithful,faithful
That you're
Never gonna give me up
Never gonna let me down
Even though I felt so alone and rejected
Even though I was living like I was dying
You died. And rose. And live. You're alive. You're coming back. I know.

 

Leah Mortley  is overly friendly, an over sharer, and over committed. She'll make friends with the next door neighbor, dog up the street and your grandma. After her daughter Iris was born this fall, she woke up from years in and out of burnout, desiring death and depression into a spiritual awakening and mania. This led to a diagnosis of bipolar and a hunger for her to be whole and healthy: body, soul, mind and spirit. She lives in Bloor West Village and is writing about her life and insights on the Facebook page "bread and water".  Her muses are Iris, her husband Jared, and nature. Her current mentors are Ann Voskamp, Brene Brown, Kelly Brogan, Byron Katie,  and always Jesus. 

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