Uncomfortably Numb

For the first time in ten years I had been completely off of my medication for a period of five months. After an emotional breakdown, I was immediately put back on the same high dose of Prozac, by a doctor that I had never seen before. I tried to dispute it, thinking I should be increasing my dosage slowly, but he said it would be 'fine'. This resulted in about a month and a half of being terrifyingly sedated. Throughout this time, I continuously contemplated which was worse, being mindlessly numb or cripplingly depressed. Writing was what enabled me to feel heard in my world of isolated fear. 

 

July 28th 2016 

I feel like a zombie
My head is filled with nothingness
Everything is slow and meaningless
I am indifferent
At least it is better than the pain but at the same time I feel excluded
One step behind everyone
One delayed laugh trying to intertwine myself back into an interaction
I remain silent and solitary
I stare into space and appear deep in thought but really I have nothing to say
Leave me alone is written on the distortion of my gaze
I connect to every sedated caricature of an insane person sitting in my metaphorical straight jacket looking at nothing

 

August 3rd 2016

My mind feels bare, the equivalent to a room stripped of its furniture
White walls coat my mind with purple clouds imprinted on them
I feel stupid
This cloudy existence leaves me searching through the barren room for words and I can’t find them
I peel off the paint in slow motion and find nothing
This calmness scares me
I am like a sedated antelope ready for a lion to rip me to pieces
My own mind scares me and the power of its transformation
At least the pain in my chest and soul is gone
Replaced by emptiness
I’m still living and breathing so I should be grateful for that
It seems I must pay a price, ignorance and happiness or pain and a thought process
I am scared and feel like a stupid child
Fumbling for words, staring off into space with nothing to say or think
Why is eternal silence scarier than being under attack by negative thoughts?
Is everyone else really happy and I am just numbingly reaching that level or was my prior disappointment and pain normal?
I guess my mind hasn’t totally shut off because I still constantly question if I am okay 

 

August 7th 2016 

I feel in a dream like state, like I’m looking over my withered self
I am awakening and going through the motions
I smile, everything is “good”, everything is alright
But nothing is alright
A voice inside my head tells me to crawl back into bed
Escape the treacherous world that awaits me
You aren’t happy it says
Stay where you are safe
Where you can slip into the covers and not feel
Another pill it says, you will be fine as long as you don’t leave
What if I go blind
My eyes are blurring
I can’t walk straight
Taking such a high dosage will blind me and make me lose my memory or cognitive functions
I will fail and disappoint everyone who worked so hard to raise me
They crawl into their coffins at 90 years old with the stains of disappointment burned onto their faces
They look at me and I break
I've ruined them. 

 

August 10th 2016 

I hate him for being careless
I hate him for not thinking my mind wasn't worth preserving
My consciousness matters you piece of shit
How can you just carelessly tamper with someones mental health?
You fucking idiot
Why become a doctor if you don’t really care? 
You sit there laughing as I eat baby food, my blank gaze stares
Sitting in your rocking chair, laughing
You did this to me and you laugh. 

 

Sophie is a Co-founder of the website and manages the Why section. She is an actor, writer and social activist; and is diagnosed with OCD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression. She obtained a BFA in Theatre from Concordia University and now works and lives in Toronto. Her work and passion lies in reducing stigma and creating awareness for people living with mental illness and film and performance for social change.  
 

Sophie Nation